girl hugging a tiger out of trust

Domination, submission and Trust

trust                                                               via Daily Prompt: Trust

Trust is vital in any relationship.  It is one of the cornerstones and without it the relationship will soon start to crumble.  In a relationship based on Domination and submission, trust is equally important, but unlike many other relationships, it is tested on an everyday basis, for only within an environment of complete trust, are you able to let go and explore your innermost dreams and desires and those of your partner. Only when you trust your partner implicitly can you stop focussing on your own needs and concentrate on theirs, knowing that they have your back. Only when trust is an integral part of your relationship can you really lay yourself bare and be truly honest, and the two go hand in hand.

In my opinion, a good relationship needs both trust and honesty and these things must be communicated in an open way from one to another on a regular basis.  This communication can be through a combination of words and actions, but if it is not forthcoming then we are left with a veil of trust which, so very thin, can easily be torn or pushed away.  I have been married before and although the trust was there are the start, at some point it was lost and it wasn’t clear when that really happened; it wasn’t based on the action that finally ended it all, it had been a long time coming and at some point, many years before, we had stopped showing one another that we had each other’s backs.  We had stopped communicating openly and being honest about how we really felt. It was easier not to say anything at all and the environment certainly wasn’t one where we felt safe to show any real vulnerability.

However, I do not want to focus on the failings of a previous relationship, more it was to point out that often people will point to a breach of trust as one action, where in most relationships, you have stopped reaffirming that trust long before then.  In a D/s relationship, this is not possible.  Trust is given and taken every single day from both the Dominant and the submissive.  If this stops happening because the communication breaks down, it soon becomes clear and you are left with the feeling that you “aren’t doing this any more”.  When this happens you need to show your trust and tell the other person how you are feeling; only through this can you fix things and get back on track.  In many vanilla relationships a lack of trust in the small things can lead to a power struggle where you employ a tit-for-tat approach to what you perceive happening.  It is almost like our natural defence to feeling that the other person isn’t there for us, is to make sure that we aren’t there for them either.

Within a D/s dynamic, each person is required to be open about their needs; how else would they be met?  If you have a need for security, comfort or love that is no different than having a desire for passion, excitement or risk.  You have to share those needs so that your partner can make sure that they are taken care of, for you are focussed on putting them first.  You trust that they will listen to you and consider how best to meet those needs.  To open my heart and mind to my husband takes as much trust as to hand over my body to him.  To take responsibility for keeping me safe on both counts takes a complete trust from him that I will be honest with him.  It is beautiful in its simplicity and, to me, that is what the dynamic is really about.  Yes, many of us do experiment and explore elements of BDSM, but really the kink is just the icing on the cake – if you prefer your cake with a light dusting of sugar rather than a thick layer of icing then that is up to you.  In married D/s it is the emotional relationship and connection that is at the heart.

I think that sometimes people see a submissive as being weak and passive. This is not the case. You have to be strong to submit your own will and have to be active in trying to make another person happy.  You are thinking about them and what they would like.  So too a Dominant can be seen as controlling and selfish.  Again this is not the case.  You have to listen carefully and watch everything your partner does in order to keep her safe.  You have a responsibility to make sure that she feels loved and nurtured.  This can only happen with trust on both parts.  It is a circle of dependence and support, need and desire and give and take, each one feeding the other on a continual basis.

Because dominant and submissive are opposites, it is often assumed that they are very different, whereas I would argue that there is more commonality than not.  The difference is in terms of the behavioural demeanour rather than what is at the heart of motivating each of you; each has a deep wish to look after the other and meet their needs, each takes an innate pleasure in satisfying the other and fulfilling their desires, and each has a responsibility to trust the other completely and be honest in return.  This trust and honesty requires open communication, and from all of this comes love and a connection so deep that complete respect of and for each other is evident throughout your daily interaction with each other.

So as trust is one of the key foundations of any good relationship, it works in partnership with honesty, communication, respect and love.  In a D/s marriage these things are formalised in a structure that suits your lifestyle and the type of dynamic that you have. The elements are present in many other non-D/s relationships but within a D/s dynamic they are tested all of the time, and if you do not keep working at them, the structure of the dynamic starts to dissolve a bit and it is evident really quickly that this has happened.  The intensity and intimacy that has been created starts to subside and the connection wanes a bit and you know that you both have a responsibility to address it, getting back to where you want to be.  You do this because you trust each other and have established an environment where you can communicate openly, in the knowledge that you love and are devoted to each other.

Posted in Building a D/s Dynamic, Submissive Musings and tagged , , , , , , , , .


  1. Best post ever!!!!!!!! This is so awesome and a fantastic explanation of how trust works to make D/s even stronger. I have to tell you Missy, your writing has grown tremendously in both depth and emotion. I would love to read a short fiction post from you. I trust you can do it.

  2. The love, compatibility, trust, and respect is so important in any long-term relationship, but extremely important in D/s. It is something kat and I continually stress. Great post.

  3. Pingback: Spanking Misadventures of Stephanie: Episode #16 | Spank Me Hard! ... Please?

    • Thank you very much for the link to my post. I am so pleased that you thought it was relevant and worthwhile, especially when I am such a fan of your fiction. ?

  4. Very good post. In your opinion, if trust is really broken by an event or a series of events by either the Dom or sub, can it ever be recovered?

    • Phew that is a tough one. I think it depends on what has happened and how each person feels about it. The level of trust required in a D/s relationship is so huge that certain breaks are inevitable. For example, we trust each other to be open and to communicate how we feel. If I have not done that and my Sir plans a scene that then doesn’t work because I have not given him the full picture then we would talk about that and move on from it. It would not be a break of trust but if it continued to happen then it might cause more of a problem. None of us are perfect and we will all slip up sometimes. The way we approach it is key I think. If you approach it in a trusting way then you will be able to talk openly and hopefully move on. If you have lost trust so you don’t discuss it to its conclusion then I think that could end up coming between you.
      Obviously some things are very difficult to move on from and that is about communication and resolution. I believe that where there has been hurt caused, whether this was intended or not, all relationships require that this is repaired before you can move on. There is often some resolution of the feelings left required on a personal level too. At the end of the day of you want to forgive and be forgiven then there should be a way forward where the trust can be rebuilt but sometimes this means making changes or putting preventative measures in place. Without trust you have nothing so I do think that you need to be able to move forward from it which you can only do it you have dealt with what happened and can trust again. Sorry for such a long response. Does it answer your question?

  5. Thank you for taking the time to answer so thoroughly. Trust is paramount in such relationships and doubt is like having a house of cards a windy day. Wondering if a gust of wind will bring everything down.

    • I agree. My experience has been that the structure means that there is little room or need for doubt though. As long as you are both looking out for each other and communicating then it is like closing your eyes and falling backwards into the arms that you know will catch you – the adrenaline and excitement is there but the danger is only perceived.

  6. I have just started reading your blog from the start, I have to say this is one of the Best posts I have read, I am no expert at all, but I love what you have written here. It really speaks to me.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.