I think that for most women, being desired makes them feel sexy. That ‘I want you to want me’ idea still reigns strong and sometimes that can be a hard thing to find. The drudge of daily life can drag you down and mean that you begin to feel a bit drudgy yourself. Trust me, that is not a sexy feeling. I think that women can tend to be stacked more to the emotional rather than the physical. In order to feel turned on there has to be an emotional connection initially, which is then enhanced by the physical connection. I know myself that when I am in the right mood, my reactions are entirely different to when I am thinking about something more menial. I know I generalise here, but for many men, I think that the physical response can be stronger and it can help them to feel the emotional connection that has to be there for women beforehand. This is certainly true for Sir and I.
I have always enjoyed sex and had a good sex drive I think. However, left to my own devices, I think that I would talk myself out of sex some of the time, and definitely so for kinky sex which is pushing my boundaries. The chances of a naked piano recital are slim if I have had a day where I have felt dragged down by things! I know that before we started all of this, I would have moments of the day when I craved physical intimacy with my husband. I would be creative and have ideas of what I would want to do for him when the kids were finally in bed. But somehow when the time came, life had got in the way. I would look in the mirror and think that I was not that person – I just couldn’t do it. It was not tiredness as much as feeling beaten down by the events of the day I think. Maybe I was bored of the more mundane tasks that I had to do and I had almost become them. I am not sure, but whatever it was, I didn’t feel sexy, therefore I hid a bit from sex.
I think that this is a common problem; certainly my vanilla friends would still talk in those terms. What I see now is that all I had to do was to give my husband a chance to make me sexy again. But he was put off, I think, by the way I projected myself. The D/s has given us both an out to this situation. He has the confidence to instigate things knowing that he won’t be turned down, and I have the desire to please him and meet his needs. We are bigger than life now. I think that people feel let down because at the start of a relationship it doesn’t happen the same. The effect of the other person on your esteem is so huge that you are horny all of the time. They are interested, attentive, considerate and amazed by you. They compare you favourably to others and, to be honest, you feel a million pounds. You are open to opportunity and experiment. A late night of sex is something to welcome and smile about rather than turn over with a mumbled excuse because you need to get some sleep for your busy day tomorrow.
Kink aside, sexy is a state of mind that most of us can achieve. If it was there at the start it can be there in the middle and, I hope, at the end. I’m not saying that you need to have a Dominant/submissive relationship to feel sexy – not by any terms. For me, however, that is what has made all of the difference. I was my own worst enemy before and only with the strength of the dynamic behind him, has Sir really been able to tackle the barriers I threw up. He has been able to enjoy me I think, and I have had to let that happen until it has become who I am. I fell in love with him many years ago; at the time I was invisible and he saw me. Through that I was able to become me again as my identity had been pretty well hidden due to the circumstances of my life. As my Dom, he still sees me – every single day. He shows that through his actions and his words and it reaffirms who I am.
I don’t think that makes me weak. I am realistic and I am a strong person. I fight a lot for others in my daily life; I work to make others feel seen and valued at work and I try to provide a loving and supportive home for our children. I think that within all of that it is easy to lose a bit of yourself and begin to exist for others. Being a submissive means existing to please Sir and meet his needs, but within that, he is looking out for me. He has his eye on me all the time and I can feel it. That makes me safe and supported but it also makes me sexy. For so long I hid parts of myself even from him, and his compliments couldn’t really penetrate the negative view that I had built up over time. I see now how truly frustrating and devastating that must have been for him. However, rather than beat myself up about that I have tried to repair the damage by being what he needs now. I have given him credit for the things that he does and not devalued or disregarded his opinion of me like I might have done before.
The effect of this has been huge. Not only am I happier, free of the the constraints and inhibitions I put on myself, but he is also free to explore and lead in the positive way that he was sometimes blocked from before. Sir was not someone who felt that he was a Dominant. He agreed to this dynamic because I asked for it and I thought I could see that it could bring out the best in both of us. He did not see himself as a natural Dominant, although I have to say that I did. Having said that, a Dominant is certainly what he has become and he thrives on it now. If I have had a wobble and asked questions about what we are doing, he has said in no uncertain terms that he won’t go back. I honestly think that it often takes another person to see the potential that you have and that is what has happened with us. So being in a D/s relationship has made me sexy; sometimes I can even look in the mirror and see what he sees which is a huge achievement for me. We have built a trust in each other that has allowed us to flourish and to celebrate who we are and what we have, and that is a very special thing.