I’m calling this post meltdown because officially a meltdown is ‘an intense response to overwhelming situations’. It happens when someone becomes completely overwhelmed by their current situation and temporarily loses behavioural control. I think that this pretty well sums up my feelings and behaviour the other night. This is an old post but it is about the need for forgiveness and the fact that sometimes, within a D/s dynamic, it can translate into wanting to be punished in a physical sense. For more thoughts on discipline and how it more commonly works for us, you might want to read this post.
One day, back in October 2016 …
To be honest, I think that things have been building up for a while. I am maxed out at work. Completely. My head is full and I feel that I have no more space for people’s problems. I am an organised person usually, but when you are too busy then all that falls by the wayside. This has been happening to me for a while. I have told HL as our agreement is that I share my feelings and am clear about my needs, but, being honest, the way this term has gone means that me feeling like this has become the norm.
I think that is probably why he didn’t see the pressure build to bursting point this time. Often he would, of course. In addition to work stress, we have had a lot of pressures on us in other ways. This has taken its toll on both of us; while we had a plan for managing, and used our D/s to do that, this was a short term fix rather than a long term, ok-this-is-our-life-now-how-do-we-manage-it-for-the-foreseeable, type of plan. So I think it came as a bit of a surprise to both of us when, over what seemed to be nothing, I had a bit of a meltdown.
I definitely felt overwhelmed. I should have been able to cope, but I didn’t. I feel immensely disappointed in my behaviour now. My time as a submissive has taught me to think before I speak and I have worked hard at using language which will convey the right message, even when I am feeling emotional. Using my ‘teacher voice’ was something that had to be left behind in vanilla life for obvious reasons; as was vocabulary which suggested blame and an inappropriate tone. I have worked at all of this and am usually quite good at taking the time to express myself in a way which is both submissive and respectful to HL.
As my control broke down I found myself speaking in a stilted way; I tried desperately to search for the right way to phrase things, but I know that what I said in actuality was not what I should have said. In addition, my emotional outpouring ruined a scene which HL had planned for us. By the time we had talked about the issue, time had worn on which meant that even had the dynamic been right between us, I had used the time for something else. As usual, HL took this in his stride and tried to help and support me. At least one of us was in control!
As often happens after something like this, the dynamic between us was not quite right. I had behaved in a way that I was uncomfortable with, said things that I regretted, and changed the course of the evening that he had planned. I asked to be punished. I suppose that is a hard thing for him to do when he sees that I am already struggling, but it was what I needed to move on and he accepted that. I didn’t enjoy it but it did make me feel that things had been brought to an end and I could return to being submissive to him.
I think that without a physical punishment on this occasions, I would have felt worse that I had challenged the order of things between us, even if it was unintentional. His understanding and forgiveness is obviously of chief importance to me, but I also need to be able to forgive myself. We often use a reset when things have shifted a bit and I suppose that is what the punishment did. It was quick and clear, and he made me tell him what I had done to deserve it which was also helpful.
When we started out with our D/s, these sort of bumps could throw us, but we have come to realise that they are the stuff of life and relationships. We will not make the same mistake again, although I am sure we will make many others which are similar. We use communication to manage bumps and get back on track, learning from each of these slips and putting things in place to avoid a repeat, so over time, we have come to see these learning opportunities as positives.
I am lucky that I now have two weeks off work when we can spent time talking and planning and looking at how we manage things and moving forward. Even without that we would have found a way through, I am sure; this is a never ending work in progress and that is part of the fun. Post meltdown I am feeling calm, cared for and closer to him. Tattie holidays here we come?
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