I feel like I have posted a lot about going back to work and feeling tired. Actually, maybe it is more that I have been mad busy back at work and I haven’t posted much at all because of it. Anyway work has come between me and the things that I enjoy. Currently with that and some other stuff going on I have found my head-space pretty much used up. I have spoken to HL about this and he has been amazing. He has tried to support me and help me. He has looked after me and done extra bits around the house and been absolutely fantastic. However, in a bit if a light bulb moment I realised that I don’t need him to help me, I needed him to ask more of me. I need to submit.
“if he takes more from me then it will clear my head of work”
We haven’t had as much play either as part of what he agreed for me was making sure that I was in bed a bit earlier so I could get more sleep as I was lasting on too little and was getting headaches. This has helped the headaches but I realised yesterday that I am not really supporting him. This has to be a two way thing to work and I am not meeting his needs. I am putting all my time and energy into working out solutions and supporting others and I have not done the same at home. Suddenly I realised that although I feel too tired to give anything else, what I really need is for him to take more. If he takes more from me then it will clear my head of work. I need to submit and I can only do that if he dominates me and asks something of me.
I am not good like him at compartmentalising things; they go round and round in my head until I have resolved them and I need him to take them away otherwise it is all still there draining me when I am at home. If he takes something from me and demands my submission I will be his and work will be left where it should be. I will feel less tired and more fulfilled and calmer as a result. It is crazy that it has taken me three weeks to see this. Anyway, I spoke to him about this earlier and he was not slow to demand a lot from me! So I am now calmer, my head is his, I am writing again and I feel centred again in my submission.
“you always have to keep thinking about it and working at it”
I think it is important to appreciate that a married relationship like this requires work. You get better at seeing what you need but you always have to keep thinking about it and working at it as life gets in the way. Life can pull you apart. Not completely but enough to make your connection diminish, and when that happens it can easily become a viscous circle where things start to slip. I also believe that it is important to be honest and realistic about it. He is not a mind-reader and I have to be honest with him about how I feel and what I need. I know how I feel and knew that I needed help. He gave that but I see now it wasn’t in the right way as it didn’t fix the root problem, because the issue is that I need to submit regardless of how busy I am with other things.
No matter how much experience people have these sorts of life things will happen and you will have to work out how to manage things. You give control to your partner but you can’t leave him to work everything out. This is something I don’t think is always made clear. I got the impression that the more experienced people had it all sorted and were living the perfect fairy-tale. In some ways that is how this new life feels but if you don’t work at it and spend time knowing yourself and thinking about submission, I think it is unlikely to last the long game. After all, you have to keep waving your wand to make the magic happen.
If you enjoyed this then you might want to read more from my submissive journal