teenagers who know

Teenagers who ‘know’.

In my last post D/s with kids I referred to the fact that one of my children knew about our D/s.  This is the story of how that happened and living with teenagers who ‘know’.  This was pretty early on in our journey but thankfully there have been no terrible repercussions of her discovery since, and actually the closeness that we have as a result has been a real positive, so I thought that I would share.

When we began our D/s journey, we started in the bedroom.  For a number of reasons we felt that this was not the best thing for us and moved to an arrangement which we saw as being more 24/7.  When we did this, Sir and I found that our relationship grew stronger in so many ways. We were happier, calmer and more deeply in love than ever. However, after a couple of weeks, my daughters (14 and 16) noticed the change. They said that they felt that my husband and I had a secret and seemed to be behaving differently. We discussed this with them and it seemed that although they saw the changes as positive they were a little unsettled so we talked made some time to talk about how we could continue in a way which would not make them feel excluded. Becoming more respectful to each other also meant that I began to see that as a core value for all the family, not just for the two of us, so I guess my expectations of all the children changed a bit too.

I have to say that I am pleased in some ways that my daughters were perceptive and observant enough to pick up on the changes. During my time of living with their father I felt they had seen a negative relationship and was pleased that they recognised the difference in the relationship that I have with Sir. I was pretty open, particularly with my eldest who chatted a bit about it; we talked about how I felt a relationship should be and without mentioning D/s explained why the honesty, openness, communication and respect that we had was a positive thing. She commented that previously I seemed to make all the decisions but that now I was really nice and thoughtful to Sir and then he made the decision that I wanted him to anyway. She also expressed concern that I seemed more interested in him than in her and was feeling a bit vulnerable I think. She had just finished an extended period of exams at the time so was feeling pretty stressed and emotional anyway. She also feels that her father, who she no longer sees, chose his new partner over her, so I think it hit a bit of a nerve. More reassurance, and we moved on.

A few days later we were walking to school and she asked if Sir and I still loved each other. I told her we did and she said that she knew what my necklace meant (it is a silver day collar with a small shackled heart on it). She told me that she’d read ‘The Story of O’ and knew what the circle meant symbolically. I have to say I was pretty shocked. I tried to reassure her the best I could in the short time we had before we arrived at school (it is only a short walk from our house and the building was already in sight when she mentioned it). Her concerns were that I was in a situation where I could be taken advantage of. Her question about loving each other was based on a concern that our marriage was failing and that we were trying this as a way to fix it. Again, she remembered so many times where I had tried to make things work with her dad, so this was a real concern for her. She knew about safe words and said she understood that he wouldn’t do anything I didn’t want but was worried that I would be lost to the relationship and that she wouldn’t have a real mum anymore.

I spent the whole day worrying about how it would all turn out and in the end I sent her an email explaining in more detail how our relationship worked. I explained that our relationship was based on respect, honesty, trust and communication and that we cared for and loved each other. I told her that Sir had the final decision on a number of things to do with our relationship but that he asked my opinion and listened to me before making a decision, always taking what I said seriously. I reassured her that if I was not happy with something then I would say to him and we would discuss it. She had been worried about walking in on me being ‘led about on a lead’ and I told her that all she should ever see is two people who are happy and communicating well. I said that she might also see him being protective over me and gentlemanly – opening doors for me, pulling out a seat for me when out etc, not because I couldn’t do it for myself but because he wanted to do it for me. I will not bore you with the whole email but her fears were based on what she had gleaned from books (she’d even read the first ‘Brie’ novel and the ‘Sleeping Beauty’ Trilogy) and the media about what a D/s relationship was like rather than what she’d observed from being around us. She said that she saw that we were happy and knew that we had a good, strong relationship. Like us when researching, what was available didn’t really fit with a married D/s dynamic and she was pretty confused about how it would work.

Later on we chatted with Sir too and she was very mature about the whole thing. She became more open herself admitting an interest in kink (pain and bondage) which is probably as difficult for me to think about as the thoughts she’s had to confront about me. She seemed relieved that she’d ‘obviously got that from me’ and we were ‘more alike than she’d thought’. I have no plans to tell our other children, but for anyone out there who is facing the same concern I thought it might be helpful to know that being ‘discovered’ by your teenager can have a positive outcome. We are closer as a result and while I wouldn’t have chosen to tell her, I now feel comfortable that she knows. All in all it has been a positive; a few nights after this she checked her step-brother for beginning his meal before his dad had even sat down!

Related posts: D/s with kids

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  1. Pingback: D/s with kids | submissy

  2. It is soooooo nice to read your posts about how your children are learning a more positive and healthy way to communicate through your D/s marriage. I would wager that more than eldest are aware but since the dynamic the both of you are modeling is so calming, it doesn’t seem to matter. Kudos to you both for living the life you do in such a respectful manner.

    • Awww thank you. I’m not sure how well appraised the others are in that sort of dynamic but I guess they will figure it out in time although they may not ask directly. Not sure they want to know the answer lol – scrunched eyes and eeeww too much information mum!

  3. Love your entry missy.
    “… and then he made the decision that I wanted him to anyway.”
    Super observation. Good eyes and brains in that girl of your.

  4. Pingback: D/s with kids | submissy

  5. I suspect our boys are wise to the change in our relationship and our youngest has certainly noticed my collar, which features a tiny heart padlock. I think both are very relieved at the peace in the family now, this do not want to rock the boat with questions. The oldest knew we were sexually kinky years ago, and nothing would surprise him. Living honestly is the only way to live for us.

    • Thank you for commenting. I agree. It is quite nice that my daughter knows and I have relaxed a bit in terms of what I say around the others too.

      • I call my Dominant “Daddy” regardless of whether the kids are present or not. Once I stopped worrying about whether they knew we were D/s, I just started to find the entire relationship got better. We have boys, so they see a very great example from their dad about how to care for a wife, and that is really how it looks on the outside. No one comments on the glass container of canes beside the bed…

  6. I think you handled this so well. I’ve worked with kids and teenagers for 20 years and I think we tend to not give teens enough credit. Like your daughter, most of them are aware about the kink scene and have read books about and maybe even explored it a bit. I don’t think kids really have a negative connotation about kinky sex anymore then they do vanilla sex. They will mirror your attitude about it. If you feel there is something to be ashamed about, they will feel that way too. But if you see your sex life as normal, they will see it the same way, for you and for yourself. We do everyone a disservice when we act like sex is something to hide, even from kids. I was glad that my daughter was able to discuss anything with me and talked in detail about her sex life, even at age 16. At the time, I was criticized loudly for “allowing” that to happen and not demand that my daughter stay a virgin until her wedding day. But that would make me a hypocrite since I most certainly wasn’t a virgin when I got married. I wanted her to feel sex was a normal and natural part of life and I think I succeeded. She and her partner took proper precautions for birth control and they were very responsible and I have no regrets. My daughter died when she was 16, but I believe she would be very at home in the kink world today, if she had lived… most likely a Domme.

    • Thank you for such a long and detailed comment and for your kind words. I am so sorry to read about your daughter. I am not sure how anyone is able to deal with that but so pleased that my post was able to remind you of the positive times you had together. You sound like an amazing mum and I agree with you about being open. Thank you ?

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