D/s with kids is a topic that comes up quite frequently when I talk with other married submissives, particularly those starting out. It is also something that I have been asked about by vanilla friends and family who are aware of our dynamic. I guess that the fact that people assume that practising Domination and submission would either be impossible with a family, or lead to some sort of mental scarring for the children concerned, is part of the whole misunderstanding of what such a relationship involves. It is born from the lack of access to information about real couples living a D/s lifestyle within the privacy and safety of their own home. It comes, I think, from the misrepresentation and misunderstanding of such a lifestyle in the media and through popular fiction.
Without sounding like a broken record, I have mentioned before about my own search for information and support which left me feeling that submissives were either 24/7 slaves, singles who played in clubs, or committed to a Dominant in a poly-amorous relationship. While these dynamics suit many they would not have suited me and it was very difficult to find anything credible written online about the vast number of other dynamics which involved D/s. I think that this is perhaps why people are confused about what exactly it is that we all do. D/s relationships are not frightening or weird or threatening. They are not abusive or detrimental or perverted. They are loving and open and honest. They are about two people sharing and supporting each other to explore the things that they enjoy and make them happy and fulfilled.
I have not told my children (apart from one but that is another post – Teenagers who ‘know’.) that their dad and I are Dom and sub. To be honest, it has not really come up. We tend to use higher protocol when we play and they are obviously not present for any of that. We did not discuss our sex lives with them prior to D/s and do not intend for them to know the details now. We are open with our children about sex and sexuality and these are topics which are discussed openly, although this tends to be on a hypothetical or general level and like most responsible parents out there, would not include any reference to personal experience.
So as far as the kink is concerned, they would not be aware of our tastes or what actually goes on. Our toys are stored in locked units in our bedroom and we keep noise to a minimum when they are home. Our children are teens so we do have eyes and ears everywhere so we have had to be creative and a bit clever about what we get up to behind our closed door. We do play music so that there is some forgiving background noise and tend to rely on the cane for impact as that is much more silent than a slapping hand. We also invested in the doxy die cast wand which is made from aluminium and titanium alloy so it has all of the power but none of the noise of our previous model which would have given a road-drill a good run for its money. A dead lock which can be used as and when required has been fitted to the bedroom door as insurance in case anyone does venture in and sees more than they bargained for. So far we have been lucky and all has gone well.
The kids are aware that we rarely fight and that we look out for one another. Respect is something that we insist on in the house from everyone really so they are also used to that. Sir will occasionally call me missy in front of them but they take this as his term of affection. I make him tea each evening in a ‘His Lordship’ mug but they have never passed comment on that – it is just his mug. I don’t call him Sir when they are around and if I am sat on the floor at his feet they just think that I fancied sitting on the floor. So really I don’t think they see anything other than a relationship where two people who are very much in love are working together to build a happy home.
I have noticed that they are more respectful and considerate than they were before we started the D/s. I think that they have modelled their behaviour on how they see us which, both coming from failed marriages, Sir and i see as being a positive. They do notice that he opens doors for me and they have shared a laugh at that. Having spent the day out together one day we returned and one of the girls was making hot chocolate. She had it in the microwave and when it beeped one of the boys jumped up and said, “wait a minute – let me get that for you!” He proceeded to open the microwave door and hold it as she removed the drink from inside, then said, “just following my dad’s example,” to which we all had a laugh.
So the biggest issue of D/s with kids, in my opinion, is keeping the mindset and supporting the dynamic in a busy home where there is always something happening. That is where our rules and rituals come in and we have worked at building a code of looks, actions and words which will mean something to us but not draw attention. Having scheduled time to talk properly and play and scene also helps a lot but overall I think that it is completely workable around a family as long as you do it your way, so that D/s is woven through the life that you already have and your dynamic just becomes a natural part of what your lifestyle is.
Related posts: Teenagers who ‘know’.