Married, monogamous and submissive

bumWhat you will have realised from reading my blog so far is that I am married (to my husband and Dominant), we are in a monogamous relationship, and I am a submissive. We are both in our 40s, we have a blended family and we live in the UK.  We both work full time – I am a teacher and Sir runs his own business.  What I am wondering is where are all the other married, monogamous, middle-aged submissives? Surely there must be lots of us out there.  Is it that we are too scared to be judged so we hide in suburbia writing blogs under our submissive names?  Even so there seems to be a dearth.

I am not sure if part of my failure to connect with many other like-minded submissives is partly due to locality.  Perhaps in other parts of the country or world things are better, but in Scotland, even in the two largest cities, there is a lack of BDSM groups who focus on this dynamic.  Perhaps it shouldn’t matter, but I would love to be able to share and learn from others in a similar situation.  I have been lucky enough to connect with a few other ladies online which has been absolutely fantastic but it makes me want to find a real-life resource even more.  Those virtual friends have listened to me and talked things through, sharing the laughs and answering the questions that I would never be able to ask anyone else.  But to have that sort of friendship in the real world would be fantastic.

I do realise that the bdsm community caters for all sorts of dynamics and I think that many of the groups out there are very welcoming.  There is a wealth of experience and knowledge there that would be really helpful for all Dominants and submissives and I am sure that there are some couples who are members of such groups. However, most of those who belong seem to be single, or in committed poly relationships, and don’t seem to have an issue attending meetings at unusual times, which might indicate that they aren’t juggling commitments to a busy family life.  If I could make the meetings from 3pm until 8pm on a Sunday, I am sure I would learn a lot, although I think that some of the issues that face couples in a long term relationship are different.

Some of the things that we have found hard over the time have been managing D/s with kids, keeping the mindset in a vanilla environment,  switching from a domestic setting to a higher protocol one and finding opportunities to scene. I really hope that as time wears on, things will get better and there will be more of us ‘out’ there.  I know that keeping this going when neither of you is particularly experienced in bdsm is hard, but the rewards are great so I am sure there must be others who, like us, have felt that D/s was the direction they wanted their relationship to grow in.  It would be brilliant to be able to learn more about some of the aspects of kink we are less familiar with and share techniques with others, but to be able to talk through the emotional as well as the physical would be truly useful.  So I guess this ends with a crossing of fingers that perhaps soon there will be a community near us that Sir and I can become part of as a couple so that we can learn from others, share our own experience and keep our dynamic moving forward in the same positive direction.

Posted in Submissive Musings and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , .


  1. I find more marrieds identifying under other terms like DD and Taken in hand. Everyone just does their thing just slightly different.
    Could be that some just don’t feel the need for specific support.

    • That is true. It would be interesting though if it did happen although I get that it wouldn’t suit everyone as some want to be more private. There does seem to be more out there about DD but I don’t really fit that. I’m not great at chores ? and I like spanking for pleasure ?. The crossover between the two is interests me though.

  2. Married, monogamous, and middle aged. Well, shortly I’ll meet just two out of three! Anyway, have identified as DD but recently we are more full D/s. I wouldn’t get hung up on labels. Every relationship has some different dynamics.

    • You must be really excited ?
      I don’t care about labels as each relationship is different. It was more the desire to meet people who shared some of the same ‘interests’ and were in a similar situation as us. It must be great to have friends locally who you can be open with about what you do.

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