An Extreme Reaction

The night before last, Sir became unwell.  This resulted in a journey to the hospital emergency department in an ambulance.  For most of the night we remained there while they conducted various tests and in the end discovered that he had gall stones and would need to be moved to the surgical ward so that they could decide whether or not to operate. Having had morphine and various other pain relief he had become more comfortable and so I returned home so that he could get some sleep.

My sister had come to collect me from the hospital and on the journey home I didn’t feel great.  My head ached from dehydration and a missing night’s sleep and I felt a bit nauseous.  I made it back into the house and promptly threw up. I guess that it was a combination of relief and tiredness but to have such a physical reaction was pretty shocking to me.  Unfortunately, in our rush, we had not taken Sir’s phone with us to the hospital, but he had said that he would call me as soon as he had seen a Doctor and knew any more.  I tried to get a bit of sleep but wasn’t really successful.  I was missing him more than seemed reasonable and just couldn’t settle.  I chatted with the kids and caught up with some stuff at home but I just didn’t feel right.  I had a strong need to be back with my Sir and just felt restless at home.  I called the hospital but there was no further news.  This dragged on all day, I guess they were too busy to check his scan or actually talk to him about what was happening, so in the end I just put a bag with a few bits in together and went back in.

Sir ended up being discharged late last night, although he will have to return for surgery soon.  Having him back felt so good but it was hard to explain the need that I still had.  I thought that it was emotional and that it would all be ok once he was home but actually it is physical too.  I need to touch and be touched.  I need to be possessed again, to feel consumed and to know that he is there.  I guess even for a short time, my stability and safety was challenged.  I really don’t think that before D/s I would have felt like this.  My need for him has become all encompassing.  I felt a bit obsessive.

The fact I knew that it was temporary etc didn’t help me to rationalise my feelings and they have just hung there.  I want to be part of him again.  Part of me wants to climb inside him and curl up and sleep, the other part wants to be shattered apart roughly into tiny pieces which he then puts back together.  I always have that two-sided feeling about my submission and his control of me but in the past the desperate need has come from triggers of my own so this being triggered by a threat to him was new.  I guess that now we are so completely connected that I should have anticipated it, but it kind of caught me by surprise and has left me with a bit of a sub-drop type feeling today.