the king and queen on a chess board - actively submissive

Actively Submissive

As good submissives we are all ready to submit to the will of our Dominants; we wait in anticipation of his commands, and try to meet his needs, wants and desires. But sometimes it takes more than being ready to respond. Sometimes we need to be more active and really engage with our Dominants. Sometimes we need to become actively submissive.

We know from experience it can be tough to remain in the submissive mindset at times but we try our very best. We follow our rules and our rituals and remain respectful and ready for when our Sirs require us. We try to be focussed on meeting his needs and look to be open and honest, communicating our feelings with him so that he can lead and support us. And it works. It is perfect and is the fairytale relationship we have always desired. We feel excited and fulfilled and so completely in love.

However, other times it is hard to be submissive and meet the varied needs of our Dominants. Sometimes we are plagued with a hard day at work or family concerns or might just feel drained and yucky at that time of the month. We communicate this with our Dominant and he supports us. He helps us with our submission and alters his desires to meet our needs. But what when it is him who is struggling. How do we manage that? We can be waiting to follow but feel concerned we are not being led. How can we be submissive if we are not being asked to submit?

This is when we need to be actively submissive. We need to anticipate his needs and try to engage his Dom in our submission. A Dominant craves control. He is a decision maker, a provider, a leader. More likely than not he is like this in other areas of his life – at work, within the family, in his local community etc. So if this control, confidence or position is threatened somehow outside your relationship then that may have a knock on effect to his Dominance within the relationship. He may not feel as sexy or as in control or as Dominant.

It is our job to support him with this in the same way he would support us when our submissive is challenged by influences we can’t control. Life happens and sometimes when we are in the middle of it we can’t always see what has gone wrong. So how do we fix it? How do we engage him to engage us? How do we keep the flow of the power exchange going? We need to be active in our submission. We need to give him the control and the confidence that may have been challenged elsewhere. We need to listen to what he says and anticipate how that may have affected him and act rather than react.

You know your Sir and you know what he likes. You know his pleasures and his desires. You know what turns him on and lights his fire so you need to put that into his hands. Don’t wait for him to ask or reach out to take it – offer it to him. I know that we feed from them and we feel sexy because they make us feel that way so it is hard sometimes to do this. But you need to entice him, to work it for him and really feed that him that control. You need to really listen and use your emotional literacy to read the signals that something is up.

Try to empathise – as you listen to what he is saying, think about what he is thinking, anticipate how he is feeling and consider what he needs. Then try to provide it. If your Sir has an issue at work which has challenged his control then you need to think about how to engage him in taking control again with you. It is much easier for us as submissives to go to them and say, ‘I have had a bad day and I’m feeling emotional. Please help me Sir!’ But for a Dominant this is not so easy. He feels that he should be the strong one who manages and is in control.

So think about what you are trying to do. Are you trying to make him feel in control, or reassured, or sexy? Then try to work out how you can do that through your submission. You might send him a picture or a naughty text. You might remind him of a hot scene where he tested your limits and pushed you further than ever before. You know his desires and you know his fantasies and what really makes him tick so use that. Try to see your body as he does and then show him what he loves. He also knows your limits so if you offer something that he knows pushes your boundaries he may be more likely to engage with it. Say to him, ‘Please Sir my I offer you ……?’ Once this happens his Dominant is often engaged and he will likely start to demand more from you again.

Try to be actively submissive. Listen to him, understand what he needs and try to meet that need through your submission. Feed his Dominant by initiating the power exchange in a submissive and respectful way. Offer him the power to control your body and push your limits. If he likes you arse then wiggle it out there in front of him whenever possible: send him pictures of it in the poses he loves to see; lay his crop at his feet and ask him please to pink you up as only he can; remind him of the hard anal session where you were putty in his hands and he took you to somewhere new; use what you can to remind him that he is your Dominant and that you are His.

Posted in Building a D/s Dynamic and tagged , , , , , , , , , .


    • Hello lurvspanking and thank you for taking the time to read my post and comment. I am pleased that you found it helpful for your novel. Could I please ask that if you use anything that I have written, you let me know and reference it back to me. Writing a novel sounds so exciting – how is it going?

  1. Oh great – that makes sense. It will be really interesting to read about someone with a mindset similar to mine. Really intrigued now!

  2. Pingback: Alpha, Dom, but not Superman? – ALPHA & kat

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