Letting go of control was hard (and I would be lying if I did not say that it sometimes still is!!!)
When I met the man who is now my Dom, I was living as a single parent and had control over pretty much all aspects of my life (acts of fate and nature excepting). Managing everything very tightly was the way that I made things work. It was what I had done for years and I saw no way that would ever change. Those who know me and know of our dynamic find it hard to believe. “You? Submissive?” was my sister’s response.
I think that as an independent woman I had grown up proving that I could do everything I wanted to do, and within my relationship, with regards to the home and the kids, better than any man. Even during my first marriage I had controlled the finances and the house. I had decided where we went on holiday, which cars we bought and even where we lived. There was discussion of course. I remember once I went with my ex to view a property and he agreed, after some persuasion, that I could phone the solicitor in the morning to ‘note an interest’. This is a quaint Scottish procedure of letting other buyers, and the seller, know that you are interested in the property but it has no legal binding. By lunchtime I had to call my husband and let him know that I had, “sort of bought that house!” After noting the interest and encouragement from my lawyer I had put in an offer which had been accepted and legally we were now obliged to buy. This all worked out in the end (the house, not us) and 16 years on he is still living there quite happily, but hopefully it gives an idea of how used I was to making my own decisions and being in control.
So to give all of that up was a scary prospect. This is where the trust comes in. I had to accept that Sir would not necessarily do things my way or even the way that I thought best, but that he would still do them. This was a real challenge as I felt so competent. I was a researcher, a planner, all my decisions carefully thought through and various eventualities considered. Sir works in a different way. He specialises in emergency response and crisis management – professionally I mean – so he is much better than me at dealing with fallout when things go wrong. My strategy was to put so much time and effort in that things didn’t go wrong of course, so it was hard to let him do it his way but it has definitely helped us both to grow as people.
Working together as a team has meant that it has cut down the endless hours I spent on planning things which never happen. It has also meant that he has been able to see that some background preparation is good, and that is something he will ask me to do for him now. It has meant that we share and work together. I know that I can still do all of these things myself if I need to, but I don’t need to now. I also enjoy not having to, although that has taken a while to be fully realised. Not feeling the pressure and responsibility has meant that I can enjoy things more and feel relaxed more easily. I know that there is someone there who I can rely on and will pick up the pieces with me if something does go wrong and that is worth a lot. The things that we do and experience also mean so much more now that they are jointly planned and agreed upon, so that is another bonus.
All in all, giving up control has been a positive thing. Because I trust Sir and respect his decisions and choices then it is not an issue. He always makes time to listen to my views and opinions and takes them into consideration so usually the outcome is the one that we both wanted anyway. My eldest daughter observed quite early on in our new dynamic that I “had changed”. When I asked how, she said that I used to make all of the decisions and tell Sir what to do. She said that now it was weird because I was much nicer to him and treated him better but he seemed to decide to do what I wanted anyway!