Rules and Rituals

Rules and Rituals

One of the first things we did was to agree on the rules and rituals that would set the dynamic for our D/s relationship. How would it differ from what had gone before? Did we need a ‘contract’? Every thing that we read screamed, ‘YES!’, but with a marriage certificate, 7 kids, a considerable mortgage and the same PIN number on our debit cards, did we truly need anything else to ensure that we were fully invested in this relationship? At the end of the day we decided we did, but more because it was a reference document which would remind us each of what we had committed to undertake, rather than something to wave at the other as proof that there had been a breach, and consequently, a code red.

The list we produced outlined how each of us would behave in terms of communication and respect. In addition there were details for me as to what was expected in terms of my submission and, for Sir, in terms of his Dominance. It was not overly complicated and drawing it up led to some good discussion as we talked it through together. It came much more naturally and comfortably that way, as we each suggested what we felt the other should expect, rather than starting with a downloadable version which we then altered.

The rules and rituals themselves were pretty simple at the start and mostly dictated the new level of respect I was to show my Sir. We incorporated things such as me serving him first and never eating until he had begun, turning down the duvet and preparing the bedroom for him and me greeting him with a kiss when either of us left or returned to/from the house. Sir insisted on opening doors for me, having me walk on his left-hand-side (or away from traffic) and ordering meals for me when we were out. In addition to wearing a day collar, there were other things that I had to do which would help with my wellbeing or mindset. These included food and exercise requirements and texting him at certain times. I was to ask permission for things such as accepting invitations to go out and also for working late or bringing work home. He also devised a number of talks which would help me to grow in my submission but these things changed as we went along.

I guess over time, a lot of the things in that original ‘contract’ have become habit and just what we do. We have added to them as we have gone along but I would say that it really helped us to keep it simple at the start. At the end of the day, whatever you has to have a purpose or it isn’t really worth doing and it probably won’t motivate you to keep going with it. If that purpose is because it pleases your partner then that is great. But it may be that it is something which helps you to stay or connect with the right mindset at various points or that it is an area where you need to be pushed to grow as an individual or as a submissive. I really found that I enjoyed focussing on doing these things we had agreed. In a busy, unpredictable and often hectic world, having the structure and routine to shape my day was a positive. The fact that my Sir would ask, comment or check how I was doing, also made me feel really safe and nurtured and brought us closer.

Posted in Building a D/s Dynamic and tagged , , , , , , , .


  1. We are exploring this lifestyle now, I will admit beyond the bedroom is tricky for me, particularly following rules all the time. I am such a strong willed person, I am not sure where to start with the rules.

    • I think that you need to find things that matter to you. Or that matter to your partner. Then there has to be accountability and some sort of punishment to act as an incentive to get it right.

  2. Pingback: ‘It aint what you do it’s the way that you do it.’ | The SafeworD/s Club

  3. I’m just finding your blog and I’m very new to this world, I love reading the simplicity of your rules and rituals. I feel like I got a little overwhelmed when I started really looking into them. The reminder to keep things simple in the beginning was definitely needed.

    • Thank you for taking the time to comment and I am glad that the post helped. I think when agreeing them it is important to think about the purpose of them. If there isn’t a purpose to sound it then it probably won’t have value and will therefore not be easy to stick with. ?

  4. Even though this is an older post, this is so important for us. We really struggle with rules and rituals. I don’t mean to “blame” My Queen, but more to “defend” her. She was raised in a communist, East European world. She never had much. Nor did she expect much. As a result, pretty much anything is “great” to her. It’s hard for her (in her mind) to pick on a missed rule or ritual when so much else is going well in her eyes. That makes it hard for her to enforce rules or rituals we already have agreed upon.
    Adding to that, I’m the “more imaginative” of the two of us. That means that most of our rules or rituals are my ideas first, even if she agrees with them. I’d love (and she’d love also) for her to come up with some rules and rituals that didn’t start with me! Being a sub, I really want something to come to me, rather than from me. Do you help couples like us create ideas for rules and rituals?

    • I am more than happy to chat about it with you but would always start with the things which are important to you. I feel that if there is a purpose it is ,ugh easier to respect the rule and stick to it. Perhaps there are things that she would like you to do or not do behaviourwise. Things for her or things which would be for you and indirectly be a benefit to her? Please feel free to email if you want to get in touch or alternatively come along to The SWC. There are often lots of suggestions to be had there ?

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