How I Got Here

In 2012, I realised that I was a submissive.  In some ways this came as a bit of a surprise to me; I had always been strong and independent and felt safest when I was in control. In other ways, however, this made perfect sense; the fantasies I felt were wrong and couldn’t be shared, the desire sometimes for physical pain to calm my emotions and the feeling that something was missing and I was never really free.I think that I had always wanted more. I believed there was something there I had to experience but it seemed to pass me by. So for a long time I settled with what everyone else had – it worked for them and I believed if I tried hard enough I could make it be enough for me.

When I met my the man who is now my husband and Dominant, I realised what that ‘more’ was.  Although we began in a vanilla relationship, the foundations were there from the start.  He was naturally dominant and I slipped so easily into a more submissive role.  He was strong with me, taking the lead in a more commanding way than I was used to but at the same time he doted on me and treated me with an old fashioned gentlemanly formality.  The combination worked and soon we were exploring our shared love of kink together.  It was a first for me to be able to do these things without feeling like there was something wrong with me.  He took responsibility which allowed me to be free to explore the side of myself that I had kept hidden for so many years.

It was quite addictive to experience those highs together – the excitement, the adrenaline and the thrill of being with someone who saw the real me and still loved her. Having been in failed relationships before we were also keen not to repeat the same mistakes.  We both knew how easily things could slip so we had a policy of trying our best to meet each others needs from the start.  This led to strong communication and a habit of putting the other first.  It was always important to us to have each other at the centre of our worlds so really a lot of the key ingredients were there when we decided to make an official commitment to living a D/s lifestyle.  However, that doesn’t mean it was easy!

When I first suggested to my partner that I thought I was a submissive his reaction was a bit underwhelming.  He didn’t really know what I meant and I tried to explain, not really finding the right words.  However, after explaining how I thought it could work, he agreed to give it a try.  I have to say it was a challenge – we tried off and on to make it work but when we hit a bump we lost confidence and struggled to keep the connection.  We read a wealth of both fiction and non-fiction to try to help but it was hard to find others who, like ourselves, were working full-time with a hectic family life.

So after several years of a bit of off-and-on, we made a more formal commitment to try to weave the Dominance and submission throughout our relationship. We had just got married and during our honeymoon we realised how much we needed the connection that it gave us.  Shortly after that, we came across an internet site where we made friends with others who are also in long term relationships and they have helped us a lot. Finally we had support from people who understood and could help, and this made all the difference to us.  We were able to grow in our relationship, pushing boundaries and working through the inevitable dips that come and go.

I have to say now that this is the best thing that could have happened to us; we have had our challenges over the last few years and this dynamic has really helped us to work together as a team.  The love and respect we have for each other is evident and the way we connect both emotionally and physically has meant that I finally have the passion, the excitement, the love and the intensity that I had always longed for and never thought possible.

Related posts: Starting Out, Being Kinky